Time flies. I still remember how doctors shoved a bloody, unclean you close to my eyes while I was still on the cesarean bed as soon as they separated us. I vividly remember the way they described you "here is your stupid girl" and I was thanking Papa with tears in my eyes for giving me a daughter. No offense to boys, but I was so damn obsessed with the idea of a girl. I wanted to call you Prakrithi,, Pari for short. You were part of me many years before you were born and I could not think of having a boy instead. Throughout my pregnancy, I begged, negotiated, bargained with nature, Papa, super power to make you a girl.
On your 58th day, I had to resume work and my heart bled with guilt and jealousy when my co-sister had to feed you for a few days until you got accustomed to my new office routine. For a few months, I would bundle you up in a pink blanket early morning 7:30 a.m. and drop the parcel at my sister's and collect the parcel back late in the evening after office hours. You were an absolute doll and people adored your bright smile, easy going ways. You soon learned to adjust to our new routine. But every time, I came back from office, you flashed a smile as if we were uniting after long years, as if you got back something you thought you had lost forever. And every morning, it tore me to leave you back home. Your blabber and laughter kept ringing in my ears and it took some time to really ignore it during office hours.
I felt guilty about the time I spent away from you, and I always tried to convince myself, it is all for you and some day you will realise it. I always felt I was forever coming up short when it comes to doing enough, giving enough and caring enough for you. I could not get it out of my head that I could not feed you in those early years. I envied my sisters who had an option to be full time super mom for your sisters and you. And it hurt me that you preferred them more to me. I was an immature, insecure mother.
From a little cuddly adorable doll, you went thru stages of your growing up - not so cute ages with your uneven rabbit teeth, sulky habits, seemingly lost at times, and I found myself embarrassed, explaining/ justifying for the lack of self-confidence which you would sometimes exhibit. I held myself responsible for all that perhaps. There was an immense pressure on me to present you at your best in front of people. There was also a time when I had to stay away from you for 1 full year, it broke my hurt when you would refuse to speak to me on phone, when you seemed okay and managed your daily chores without me, when you did not miss me much or at least did not express it.I felt miserable, dejected and depressed especially so, when I saw happy responsible moms around. I felt miserable when Nandu used to cry at the mention of Neethuma taking up a job. I felt so unwanted that you did not feel the same way about your mother. It would also tear open my heart when you called and asked if you can wear that red dress to school for Christmas, the red dress which you would be normally wearing at home.
But through all these events, I have come to realize that it is not necessary to prove my motherhood to myself, you or others and nor for you to prove yourself to me. You and I are part of same existence, yet different. I just facilitated your birth, as Mother, I lay no bigger claims on your life. I don't have to be guilty of being myself and I don't have to really change myself to be the best mother you can boast of. Being your mom does not mean I will be perfect always: I have once forgetten your lunch, I'm on my phone too much, I lose my temper, I don't find enough time to take care of you the way moms will be. But be sure that all those do not make me a lesser Mother. And I also accept that, when you don't miss me much when you spend away from me, is not a measure of your feeling towards me. I realise your love from those subtle moments when you have covered me up in front of people, when you have been so independent and taken care of yourself when I did not have enough time for you and when you connected with me in the moments you could not replace me with anyone else.
On this day, I want to tell you that, I don't want to be and I will never be a typical mother to you. I want to be a friend, a facilitator, a teacher, a student to you. I want to be an inspiration to you as much as you are an inspiration to me. I want to get out of a mother's expectation from a child. I don't want to coddle you, but rather see you tread your own path. I want us to work on our own balances in life, and just give that support to each other if we ever tend to tumble.
And in course of time, we will understand what being a mother or being a daughter is all about, without really defining it, explaining it or proclaiming it. It is a subtle and natural thing as natural as breathing. After your birth, I have really understood how difficult a daughter I have been. Yet I don't regret. For the same reason, I don't really want to take control of you, define for you the rights and wrongs and try on perfecting you. I just want to accept you as you are, encourage you to do your own things, inspire you with my own experiences on what you should do or not to do in order to minimise hurt in life. I don't want you perhaps to repeat the same mistakes I did in order to derive your lessons. I have already learned those lessons the hard way and when you are ready, I will share them with you so that you don’t have to go through the hurt all over again. I want to be to you what Amana has been for me - always there when I wanted her, never interfering or possessive or demanding. Even I stray, I knew she will be right there to accept me without questioning or judging. If she had been over protective, I would have fallen out with her by now. Though I have done many costly mistakes in life, I am proud I made it so far, survived many lone hard battles, and through each battle I discovered more of me which I would not have if I had a very normal, protected life in childhood and adulthood. Experiences will hurt you, but it will always empower you. You will admire yourself for the mistakes you have survived, lessons you have learned from them and power you have derived from them, to not trying, not exploring and not discovering. Perhaps only thing you should try and avoid is hurting people in your circle of love, minimise the effect of consequences on them.
The bottom line - I don't want to look up to you as a daughter, but an equal individual, a mentor, a guide, and my best friend. Let's together tread new paths, discover life and accept each other without setting rules or expectations. I admire you for being independent, more matured than me, for being practical and taking decisions, not being so emotional and expressive - and all these are opposite to what I am. I admire you for your dancing skills, but I no more envy I cannot dance as gracefully as you. I no more wish you develop an inclination for reading or writing like me. What you are and how you are now no more make me doubtful, insecure, hurt or apprehensive. Remember, I will love you for what you are and it will be never for what I expect you to be.
I really wish we will grow beyond mother daughter relationship, and be together and have wonderful time ahead as best friends and individuals who draw strength from each other.
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